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October 31 hellohi yet again i aint been on here for some time, so hello to you all,one time a friend of mine said i was good at writing thing's, well that
stayed in my mind as i.ve alway's liked the idea of that,
i.ve always thought about it and then they put the thought in my head,even more so thank you , use know who you are because i am now trying to enroll on a creative writing course at the college... thank's to you both ,one for saying and one for telling lol, if i ever make it i will dedicate my first book to use,by name ...... September 05 bloody hell!hi peeps!
didnt realise i hadnt been on here for so long, hehe xx
hope everyone is ok xxxx May 07 hello peeps!aint been on here for a bit! today was cool went fishing for the first time in ages,cant belive gin-e caught a 16 pounder,bastard lol.  cant wait till weekend,im gonna beat that lol.steven caught a few BUT NO STEVEN ONE CAUGHT IN THE SIDE DONT COUNT LOL. pinky been living here for nearly two weeks now and it's cool we get to take over the world whenever we want hehe. the house is slowly getting decorated we keep stopping to go fishing or have bbq's lol,really must rush threw it so we can enjoy the summer months outside! it's just to hot to decorate and it's like wasting the day if we do. so send out mi luff to all mi mates pinky,lotty,carly,tabbi,stacey,tony,gin-e,dan,shane,job-e,steven,paul.xxluff ya party pplxx April 22 my heart is with use! my heart is with use charlotte,tony,berttie,carly RIP NOBBY! so sorry use especially as it your wedding saturday,. bertie thinking of you xxxx for fuck sake its catching! here we are again pinky in the same boat, is it some sort of disease that the men catch and pass it between them lol? you know what dont it make ya think sometimes your better off alone! whats that song there aint no pain like from the opposite sex, fucking got that right didnt they,lol well you've been there for me all this time and i will be there for you. when we are feeling angry and frushstrated at them we can beat each other up lol, and when we are feeling sad and missing them, we can remind each other of the angry feeling its better less tears lol,so chin up young lady it shall get better well not better but easier,fuck me this is gonna be a case of the blind leading the fucking blind lol but a problem shared is a problem halfed and all that jazz hehe, so see you up town and we can do the best therapy ever friday..retail therapy lol..xxluv ya pinkyxx i hate being asked if im ok it reminds me that im not! why cant people just leave well enough alone! it pisses me off that they have to get involved without being asked to,im a big girl now i wear pull ups lol if i needed protecting id ask for it!so as much as they say they do it for me it frushstrates me, are they sure it just causes me to stress,and think! April 18 I CANT BELIVE TODAY! I cant belive today pinky what a day of highs and lows  i am exhausted now maybe i will sleep tonight what a blessing that will be. im so excited about tomo sad cow aint i, but it's been so long since we had our pinky and brains night, and thats so much more fun than drinking  never thought id say that haha,im still in shock i swear.im so tired i want to go to sleep but all the advents of today are on my mind,this morning, toots with pup's that thing this afternoon,how can so much happen in a day from one extreame to another,i dont know weather i want to laugh or cry  oh well im sure we will have fun tomo,i can have one night of feeling good and skinny by the end lol i hope, speak to you tomo pinky gonna try to sleep whilst the pups are qwiet, i hope she dont have no more..xxx thank god for meds thats all i can say.. TOOTSY! tootsy has had eight pups now lol, i hope it's her last 1 as she's been going all day! im exhausted watching her so she must be well knackered!  PINKY!cant wait till tomo,love this song uptown top rankin,give me lil bass let me wynde in me weist lol AND THIS ONE PINKY!The Mirror Joke
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length
mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and
I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my
butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" She turns to her
husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight..."
PINKY DO YOU REMEMBER THIS IT STILL CRACKS ME UP!After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance
complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these
came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire. Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit. Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order. Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed. Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level. Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for. Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right. Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search. Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed. Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget April 13 yesturday! yesturday started out as a well shit day! i had to go and choose my baby girls reaf wich broke my heart its embaressing to cry in public . pinky had to take over at points but destiny got a beautiful angel reaf in pink and white i think she would like that. from there florist we went for a couple of drinks in the pub to calm me down,and when we was leaving we bumped into the nasty scumbag who keeps bad mouthing me and my baby,that was about as much as i could take i flipped it,if pinky had'nt of been there with damien i think i would have killed him, i want to calm down and im keeping up with meds,and thats the first time i had a drink in ages but some one as heartless as that just windes me up,he had the front to say to me dont say stuff to my partner when she has got the baby with her, i think thats what made me flip, he did'nt consider my baby while he was slagging her off but he expects me to consider his.cheeky fucking cunt.well all i can say is ive never been two faced and i aint gonna start now. if i have something to say about someone i say it to there face not behind there back,.well i know i must be getting stronger and better because i never fell completely to peices and got totally wasted like i normally would have once ive grieved properly and the funeral is over i think im going to be ok,either these meds are really working or this heartache as made me stronger!but here's a few thank you's to those who where there supporting me threw what ive got to say was the most heart rendering and mental breakdown time i have ever had! thanks to pinky for being there for me yesturday!and a foward thank you to pinky for going to be with me tuesday,the funeral. thanks to stacey for being brilliant these past couple of weeks,lil ki who has tried so hard to keep me smiling,all my family who paid for everything to make sure destiny gets the send off she deserves,and charlotte my lil bulldog.thanks pinky for always been there when i need ya!i love you all.xxx April 11 IM SO TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT!!i think ill move away,it's the only way i can see the trouble ending,
and me being able to move on.i think once the funeral is over i look
into it,... higher ground!the more i understand my illness my song! to the dick who left a comment the song is the tits,if you dont like my choice of music dont look at my space!
stars sit way up high
Earth and trees beneath them lie The wind blows fragrant lullaby To cool the night for you and i On the wing the birds fly free Leviathan tames angry sea The flower waits for honeybee The sunrise wakes new life in me. (chorus)
And every hour of every day Im learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before The less I know, the more I want to look around Digging deep for clues on higher ground... The fishes swim while rivers run
Thru fields to feast my eyes upon Intoxicated drinking from The loving cup of burning sun In dreams Ill crave familiar taste Of whispered rain on weary face Of kisses sweet and warm embrace Another time another place (chorus)
And every hour of everyday Im learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before The less I know, the more I want to look around Digging deep for clues on higher ground... April 09 bi-polar the enemie and thanks pro anna!today was a good day i felt frushstrated,angry,and hurt,
and gasping for a drink!
then i remembered a pro anna thing i used to do when i was
a kid and wanted to eat i put music on and danced like made
untill the feeling past.
so thats what i did i danced and danced and danced.three hours
i danced for letting out the frushstration,the anger and the need
to self medicate.and do you know what i felt great,for the first time
in along time i felt in control of myself and my behaviour!then not only
was i dancing but i realised so many things and what i needed to do,i
thought about the person i once was before the bi polar reard its ugly head.
i was a strong minded,determined,stubburn woman who would'nt let anything
or anyone drag me down.i was reasonably intelligent,with city and guilds under
my belt and a keen eagerness to learn new thing's.i had a sense of humour,
especially about my own life,i worked hard for a living and i partied when
appropreate.i caught a glimpse of that person today and woundered what ever
happend to her,she got ruined,taken over by a illness and by god i
miss her!with that relisation that somewhere in here she must still live i realised
my biggest ennimie are not the folk who done me down but the illness itself for it
is more stronger than any of them and more damaging!with that in mind they become
insignifficant, and the determination to take back control of my life became of most
importance.i mean ive spent years surrendering to this illness,letting it beat me and its
taken away from me so many things over the years,my babies,my husbands,my pride,
my thoughts.so i got to thinking i just controlled an erge to drink by a method i used,
i did'nt give in and stuck with it for three hours straight untill the erge past.i did'nt let
it beat me.and then i realised i want back my life,i want back the control of my life and
for it not to be governed by the illness.it appeared to me that this illness if it was a
person using such force or dictating what i should do with my life i would fight it to the death
,well that's what i am going to do.it is a challenge but i will succeed!
my illness has cost me so much already i be damned before i'll let it take the rest of my life as well.
not to mention the exercise is great for getting my body back in shape and heaven knows i need it,lol.
i know im on the right course because as i was doing this dancing and lots of thinking i finally felt like
a weight was being lifted off of my shoulders,and for the first time in years i felt in control of something
i was doing.a feeling that i want to hang on to and it made me feel great
and gave me the strength to fight.i know i still have destiny on my mind but the anger has gone im just
left with love for her and hope that she will know that even though im fighting to gain control of my life
something i havent had for many years,she is still my daughter and she will always be in my heart.but
i nearly broke the illness nearly killed me literally, and i just kept hanging on by the skin of my teeth for
my other children but i found the strength now to fight it,now i know i can it is possiable,i never felt i
could before but its all about being in control and not powerless to its thoughts,rather than give in
when your head is swimming in to many thoughts,or the erge to ram your head into something just to
stop it spinning,see it as the ennimie and channall your energy elsewhere untill the thoughts past each
time you do that no that you beat it on that occasion.it really does leave you with a sense of
satisfaction.my space is gonna be a diary and i can keep it posted with how my progress is going,
and who knows maybe it might help another bi polic out there,wich would be cool..maybe im dreaming
but what im hoping to achieve is re gaining my life back,not to drink to self medicate,only drink on a
girls night out,and stay in control of what im drinking how i used to be,hopefully return to work,
enjoy the simple pleasures in life as i used to and not seeing life as one big struggle,not stressing
over the little thing's,enjoying the company of people rather than dreading it,regaining my strength
of charecter,and my sense of humour,and my dress sense lol,i even dyed my hair back to it's natural
colour(minus the grey of course).lol.but i know it's baby steps for me for now but i will succeed,i
crossed the first obsticale,i was near dead with the lowest point id ever been to in my life,and i survived,
do or die as they say.i decided i do,so bi-polar be prepared for a fight cause you've got one! April 07 destiny jude gilberts space!darling girl i could'nt sleep again thinking of you,
so i thought i would dedicate this space to you
and put things on it to do with you,
these are the lyrics for the song im having played for you.
i hope you hear them,after we have laid you to rest mummy's going away
for a while,im not trying to forget you i never will i just need
to get better for the other babies i have here.i'll be thinking
of you the whole time and when i get back i am going to find the
perfect flower to plant in the garden for you,and im gonna protect
it from the dogs.i hope you like your teddy bear,im thinking of you
sweetie every hour of every day.
ONE SWEET DAY!by mariah carey......
sorry i never told you
all i wanted to say
and now it's to late to hold you
cause you've flown away
so far away,
never had i imagined
living without you there
feeling and knowing you here me
it keeps me alive,
and i know your shinning down on me
from heaven,
like so many friends we've lost
along the way,
and i know eventually we will be together
one sweet day!
darling i never showed you
i assumed you'd always be there
i took your presance for granted,
but i always cared
and i miss the love we share,
although the sun will never shine that bright again
i will always look to abrighter day,
lord i know when i lay me down to sleep
you will always listen when i prayer,
and i know your shinning down on me
from heaven,
like so many friends with lost along the way
and i know eventually we will be together
one sweet day,
sorry i never told you
all i wanted to say...
untill the next time sweetheart xxx
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