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4月9日 bi-polar the enemie and thanks pro anna!today was a good day i felt frushstrated,angry,and hurt,
and gasping for a drink!
then i remembered a pro anna thing i used to do when i was
a kid and wanted to eat i put music on and danced like made
untill the feeling past.
so thats what i did i danced and danced and danced.three hours
i danced for letting out the frushstration,the anger and the need
to self medicate.and do you know what i felt great,for the first time
in along time i felt in control of myself and my behaviour!then not only
was i dancing but i realised so many things and what i needed to do,i
thought about the person i once was before the bi polar reard its ugly head.
i was a strong minded,determined,stubburn woman who would'nt let anything
or anyone drag me down.i was reasonably intelligent,with city and guilds under
my belt and a keen eagerness to learn new thing's.i had a sense of humour,
especially about my own life,i worked hard for a living and i partied when
appropreate.i caught a glimpse of that person today and woundered what ever
happend to her,she got ruined,taken over by a illness and by god i
miss her!with that relisation that somewhere in here she must still live i realised
my biggest ennimie are not the folk who done me down but the illness itself for it
is more stronger than any of them and more damaging!with that in mind they become
insignifficant, and the determination to take back control of my life became of most
importance.i mean ive spent years surrendering to this illness,letting it beat me and its
taken away from me so many things over the years,my babies,my husbands,my pride,
my thoughts.so i got to thinking i just controlled an erge to drink by a method i used,
i did'nt give in and stuck with it for three hours straight untill the erge past.i did'nt let
it beat me.and then i realised i want back my life,i want back the control of my life and
for it not to be governed by the illness.it appeared to me that this illness if it was a
person using such force or dictating what i should do with my life i would fight it to the death
,well that's what i am going to do.it is a challenge but i will succeed!
my illness has cost me so much already i be damned before i'll let it take the rest of my life as well.
not to mention the exercise is great for getting my body back in shape and heaven knows i need it,lol.
i know im on the right course because as i was doing this dancing and lots of thinking i finally felt like
a weight was being lifted off of my shoulders,and for the first time in years i felt in control of something
i was doing.a feeling that i want to hang on to and it made me feel great
and gave me the strength to fight.i know i still have destiny on my mind but the anger has gone im just
left with love for her and hope that she will know that even though im fighting to gain control of my life
something i havent had for many years,she is still my daughter and she will always be in my heart.but
i nearly broke the illness nearly killed me literally, and i just kept hanging on by the skin of my teeth for
my other children but i found the strength now to fight it,now i know i can it is possiable,i never felt i
could before but its all about being in control and not powerless to its thoughts,rather than give in
when your head is swimming in to many thoughts,or the erge to ram your head into something just to
stop it spinning,see it as the ennimie and channall your energy elsewhere untill the thoughts past each
time you do that no that you beat it on that occasion.it really does leave you with a sense of
satisfaction.my space is gonna be a diary and i can keep it posted with how my progress is going,
and who knows maybe it might help another bi polic out there,wich would be cool..maybe im dreaming
but what im hoping to achieve is re gaining my life back,not to drink to self medicate,only drink on a
girls night out,and stay in control of what im drinking how i used to be,hopefully return to work,
enjoy the simple pleasures in life as i used to and not seeing life as one big struggle,not stressing
over the little thing's,enjoying the company of people rather than dreading it,regaining my strength
of charecter,and my sense of humour,and my dress sense lol,i even dyed my hair back to it's natural
colour(minus the grey of course).lol.but i know it's baby steps for me for now but i will succeed,i
crossed the first obsticale,i was near dead with the lowest point id ever been to in my life,and i survived,
do or die as they say.i decided i do,so bi-polar be prepared for a fight cause you've got one! 引用通告此日志的引用通告 URL 是： http://strawberryfunforever.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!CCCAB66550D46920!462.trak 引用此项的网络日志
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